Today

I feel a bit better.

I spoke to Lee the day before yesterday and it was good to hear from him. I was doing that age old thing of worrying that I'd done something to put him off over the weekend and that's why he hadn't called or replied to my txt. I was trying to talk myself out of the spiral of unsavoury stories going on in my head but I was slowly losing the battle...until him called on Thursday and all was well again.

Tried to call him just now, no answer, or he's on 'another line' as his answer machine tells me quite frequently. Who knows.

I'm feeling a lot calmer anyway, especially since meeting up with Shantiprabha this morning for coffee :) we chatted for a hour or 2 and it was good to ask someone all the questions I've been wanting to ask a Triratna Buddhist order member for a few months now. He definitely lives up to his name and is a calming influence for sure. He said he's going to try to get a little group together in Oxford, him and his wife are both order members and they have 2 mitras who study with them, so I'm going to join the group soon :) He asked me a few times if I want to do my mitra ceremony with them in Oxford sooner than if I had it in Cardiff but I decided I still want it in Cardiff, around the people who have helped me for the past 10 months or so in my practise and who have become some of my dearest friends.

I had a very strange dream last night.

I dreamed that I was in a house with my mum and it was being invaded by Killer Zombie Aliens. They were really horrible, they looked a lot like mummies and their bodies crumbled if you hit them hard with a snooker cue. I killed several of them while my mum protected the cat and dog by hiding them in the sliding door, cupboards underneath my bed. Then the worst happened. I got bitten. But I used my practise and meditation to quell the angry zombie venom within me and was able to keep myself from turning zombie while still fighting the zombies off with planks of wood etc. Then I realised I could understand the zombie/alien language now that I was partly affected. Their voices were really disturbing. Like children crying, saying 'we're sick, help us, we're just sick...' repeating over and over. It was merciless, and so was I with my snooker cue.

I woke up in the middle of the night and turned my lamp on, I was so disturbed. Went back to sleep and had some other crazy alien dream which was slightly less disturbing.

I've thought about what my dream meant today. I was so strange that I could understand and empathize with these murderous creatures. What was more extraordinary was that I could continue to slaughter them, it just seemed like the kindest thing to do for all concerned.

It's a lot like real life really. Not in the sense that I've got a plans to go around killing people. But their are a lot of 'sick' people in the world, and most of the time they're so horrible with it there's not a lot you can do apart from protect yourself and those you love. I suppose what I'm trying to say it that people are sick and deluded and violent and greedy. But just because Buddhism shows us it is an illness, it doesn't mean you should let them have their way and walk all over you, or eat your brains as the case maybe...

x